Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I cut my penus on the lid.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
