I will die if light touches me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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