my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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