omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Randomize
