my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
