your parents love me but you hate me
there's paper in my vomit.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
