how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
being pregnant is like rehab
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
