I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
