The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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