So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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