remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
