He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
