saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize