not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
