ugly people sure do ruin things
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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