ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
