i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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