I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize