I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
