apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
