it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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