hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
