thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
