Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
