she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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