Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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