and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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