normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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