All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
