I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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