if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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