How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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