if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
