my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
