you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
