Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
