I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I still have a little drunk in my system
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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