I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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