i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
