Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
