Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
