My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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