the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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