I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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