the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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