My room smells like vodka and shame
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
