dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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