I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
