I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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