I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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