party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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