A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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