Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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